Week 7.5: Better Late Than Never

Lexi,

My goal was to write weekly updates every Wednesday since you were born on a Wednesday morning. Life is so incredibly busy, though, that these updates get shuffled... and shuffled... and shuffled. It's Sunday morning now, and life has been a little bit nuts in the past few days. Southern Alberta is flooding. Entire towns have been evacuated, parts of Calgary and other towns have been evacuated... it's a major natural disaster. It's unbelievable to watch the footage of water flowing freely through the streets of downtown Calgary, and extremely saddening to see how some people are losing their entire homes because of the water. Fortunately, we're safe and sound in Brooks. Medicine Hat is another story - 10,000 residents have been evacuated and two of the three bridges that connect east and west Medicine Hat have been closed. We're just waiting to hear about the third bridge - the TransCanada. Where do you fit into all this? Firstly, I'm so grateful that our little family is safe and sound. Secondly, you don't really fit into this at all, but it's the first natural disaster of significance in your lifetime that's making headlines worldwide.

The past week and a half have been almost blissful - almost. Last Monday, you began smiling like crazy. When I lay you down on the couch for a diaper change (yes, we change you on the leather loveseat in the living room - much easier than hauling you up and down stairs to your change table), I just have to tickle your tummy and speak in a higher pitched voice and your entire face breaks into a huge, beautiful grin. I love watching you smile. Especially moments after a crying spell due to hunger or discomfort - which you have many of. Girl, I don't know what the deal is with your tummy, but it causes you issues. Mostly in the evenings. Any gas just makes you contort and twist and kick and scream and as SOON as a burp or a little poot (okay, so that's what I've been calling your farts lately, sue me) come out, you settle and relax immediately. You're so easy to comfort once your needs have been met. I'd go as far as saying that you're a pretty chill baby. 

I've probably just jinxed it.

You went on your first major road trip this weekend. I had registered for a Crossfit competition in Regina, 500 kms away - approximately a five hour drive with stops. My love, you are so powerful that you turned that five hour drive into an eight hour drive. You were so hungry on the way back that we stopped about every forty minutes, pulled over to the side of the road, and I fed you right there in the car. I began wishing that you'd take a bottle, and I even tried a soother at one point because you were crying so much... but I knew you were hungry, so I fed you. I can't bring myself to let you use a soother. You took it for about three minutes and my heart broke a little bit because I knew you were just hungry. I took a picture of you with the soother - I think it looks really silly on your tiny little face. No judgment to parents who use soothers, but in the bottom of my heart it just didn't feel right. Pulling over to the side of the road every 40 minutes was annoying, but it didn't feel wrong. 

So the Crossfit competition. You were born by C-section seven weeks ago, and I considered dropping out of the competition but I kept putting it off. I began working out about three weeks ago, and even ran in a 5 kilometer road race in Medicine Hat last Sunday - my time was a minute longer than the year before. Not too shabby for six and a half weeks post-partum. With permission from my doctor, who told me to "use pain as your guide", I got back into Crossfit the morning of my six week checkup. The first few workouts back were a little bit iffy, and I took it slow, but my scar never really hurt. My upper abdominals are very weak from being stretched out so far, but overall, I felt really, really good working out. So good, in fact, that I decided to wait until the workouts for the competition were posted before making a decision about whether I should compete or not. Once the workouts were posted on Monday, I was convinced I'd be able to participate. And I did! I finished all three workouts, and ended up placing 12 out of 28 competitors in the scaled division. I felt amazing the whole time, and I was even awarded with the "Spirit of Crossfit" award for participating so shortly after having a baby. I wasn't there to receive the award since we'd left to head back to Brooks, but I feel so honoured for being recognized and so blessed to have the ability to get back to physical activity so quickly. 

The trip wasn't all fantastic, though. Natalie and I arrived at the Sunrise Motel in Regina at 10:00 pm, and I nursed you to sleep at 11. All was well until 2:30 am when you woke up for a meal... and decided to stay up until 6:30 fussing and crying. I rocked you, bicycled your little legs, walked around with you, sang to you, and got increasingly frustrated until 4:30 am when the tears began to flow - I woke up Natalie to take over for a little while because I needed my sleep. I've never felt so selfish in my life. I'm at the point with lack of sleep where if you're crying in the middle of the night, I get frustrated but I know I can nap the next day to make up for lost sleep. With the competition the next day, though, I felt extremely sorry for myself - and felt horrible for that feeling. So many crazy feelings as a mother! It made me realize how selfish I was being for sticking you in your carseat for so many hours so that I could compete. I know it's important to do things for myself, but I can now safely say that any road trip in a vehicle over three hours is out of the question - at least for now. For now, I will keep on doing things for myself, but I'll scale it down a bit. I don't regret going to Regina but I do feel terribly selfish for making that decision. I guess you have to learn somehow. 
You may not know this, little girl, but your mother is the happiest she's ever been. A lot of it has to do with making proper diet and exercise a priority, but just seeing your smiling face every morning is the cherry on top.

Love,

Mama

Weeks 35 & 36: Trying to Trust

Little One,

It took 36 weeks but Daddy finally came up with a name for you while you're still growing inside of me - "Axel." Why "Axel?" Because it was one of his preferred first names for a boy, and one of the names that I shot down... so I figure I might as well give it to him for the remainder of your time in utero. Daddy also warned me that if I have an emergency c-section and he gets to meet you before I do that you might just be Axel once I wake up. We'll see about that... any day now, or as long as five weeks from now...

It's kind of unbelievable that it could be tomorrow, but it could be over a month from now that we meet you. You've decided to stay comfortably breech, and after discussing options in Brooks, I booked an appointment in Medicine Hat to see about breech delivery. A natural birth is really important to me, and although I've accepted that a c-section may turn out to be the only option, I didn't want to accept c-section as standard for you. Sometimes I wonder how selfish I'm being, but there's something in me that's just so drawn to a natural birth. I'm frightened about many things right now, and this is where it's getting more important for me to just trust. I've put other areas of my life in God's hands, reluctantly so, but He has always delivered more than I've ever prayed for. Things haven't worked out how I pictured them to, or wanted them to, but when I stopped worrying and placed them in His capable hands, he worked his divine... whatever it is... and my life has been so blessed.

It's time to put this whole breech situation in His hands, because I know He will care and provide.

I felt as though I was in good hands in Medicine Hat. The doctor didn't immediately dismiss my desire to explore options outside of c-section and encouraged me to try an external version on top of all the other interventions I've been attempting. To date, it's been daily breech tilt and forward-leaning inversion, moxibustion, chiropractic, red raspberry capsules, swimming, handstands in the swimming pool, handstand pushups at the gym, walking around on my hands and knees, an ice pack on your head, an ice pack on your head while sitting in a warm bath, daddy talking to you and reading to you, me talking to you, shining a flashlight at the bottom of my uterus.... let's just say if you're still breech when I go into labour, there's definitely a reason for it!

I'm no longer Crossfitting. It's only been a week since I said goodbye to Inferno and Badlands (temporarily - I'll be back!) but my chiropractor encouraged me to try exercise that keeps me loose, so I've been swimming and walking instead. I know I could go to the gym and workout lightly, but it just wouldn't feel right - Crossfit for me is about the intensity. I'm also trying to avoid too much squatting because I don't want to encourage your cute little bum to get lodged in my pelvis prematurely, so swimming and walking is the way to go for now. I have a 3k race booked for April 27 and another for May 4 - depending on how I feel, I may run, I may walk, I may be at the hospital nursing a C-section scar (and a newborn, at that) or I may be at home with some crotchsicles... thanks to Veronica for that one! It's amazing that there's just no way to tell what's going to happen in the next few days or weeks. I'm somewhat of a planner, not that bad, but what an exercise in letting go and letting God!

Who knows what the next few days and weeks are going to bring? Keep squirming, Little One; try to get that head down low. Whatever you decide, though, I know it's the journey that's supposed to happen... as reluctant as I am to give up control and accept things for the way they are, I know that He has your and my best interests at heart.

Oh, and my co-worker Kimmie is praying a novena for us too. She's a miracle worker, so... :)

Love,

Mama

Weeks 31 & 32: Energy & Exhaustion

Little One,

I'm writing this on a Monday morning, sitting at my desk at work when I really should be photocopying for the day. Today's one of those days where my hair is disheveled, I really don't feel like being here, and I could probably nap all day if given the opportunity. But tomorrow? Tomorrow I could be jumping off the walls, excited, energetic, and happy. That's what the past two weeks have felt like - a pendulum swing between exhaustion and energy.

One highlight of the past two weeks has been participating in the 2013 Crossfit Open. I recognize that through my pregnancy, although I've remained relatively fit, I've lost a lot of my physical capacity - I can barely squat without my hip flexors feeling like they're on fire, and most days, it's very difficult to drag myself to the gym (so difficult, in fact, that I end up just going home to bed.) But since getting pregnant, I knew that I wanted to keep up with my fitness as best I could, so I committed to participating in the Crossfit Open. The first workout - a 17 minute chipper of burpess and snatches - was one of the best days of my pregnancy. I felt so full of life and spirit. The second workout - a 10 minute AMRAP of 5 75# push press, 10 75# deadlifts and 15 box jumps (step ups, in my case) felt equally as awesome - even after a sleepless night and two full days of grad retreat exhaustion. I don't know what it is, but I'm happy when I'm exercising. I'm not happy when I think about exercising, and I'm not happy when I'm dragging my lazy bones to the gym, but once I'm in that workout, I feel fantastic. I think you like it, too... at least I hope you do. You're good at telling me what to avoid - some days, kipping pull ups are not your favourite (ouch, does my tummy ever get tight!) but other days, you're like, hey, go ahead with your kips. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to keep Crossfitting througout my pregnancy and I can't wait to get back into it fully once you're in the world.

I think it's safe to say that within the next 3 weeks, I'll be saying that I'm sick of being pregnant. I'm not quite sick of it yet, although that thought has fluttered through my mind. The more babies that are born around me, the more excited (and nervous) I am to meet you. I love the feeling of you wriggling around in my tummy, but I can't wait to see what you look like, what you smell like, how we interact, and what our family is going to be like once you're on the outside with us.

I was at a silent retreat in Lethbridge this weekend, and during directed prayer from a spiritual director, I had an image of myself and your father holding you - the three of us protected by a ring of flame. I know that God's love for you is so powerful and inexplicable - I just hope I can see you with His eyes and love you with His heart. Better start practicing now - it's gonna be one of "those days" so if I can approach it with a smile even when I just feel like sleeping, I'll be able to get through whatever trials and tribulations come my way through your birth... and your life.

You're sleeping right now... wish I could be right there with you. I can't wait to feel some more of your wriggly squirming as the day progresses - those are some of the best moments of my days lately.

Love you,

Mama

Week 25: Falling in Love

Little one,

1) You turned my innie into an outie this week. Gross.
2) You made me pee when I sneezed. Double gross.
3) You grew like crazy, and sapped me of energy.

Despite the above list, I think I'm growing to love you more and more each day. I don't know if it's your constant movements - your need to let me know that you're hanging around comfortably for the time being - or if it's the little hands, feet and bum that brush against my hands when I hold them against my tummy - but I'm falling more in love with you every day. It's weird to say; I mean, I'm loving being pregnant, and despite the lovely aforementioned side effects, it's so absolutely miraculous and energizing that you're growing inside of me. I love it. I love you, and I haven't met you. I never thought I'd feel this way but I'm feeling it.

This week was a little tough, and I think it was a combination of you growing pretty rapidly (a tight belly will attest to that) and some fructose malabsorption on my part. Cleaning up my diet has really helped me recognize very quickly what foods wreak havoc on my system, and after some really cranky days, major exhaustion, digestive upset and carb cravings, I admitted that I was eating way too much fruit sugar - and symptoms of fructose malabsorption include exhaustion, tummy troubles, and crankiness, which I was feeling pretty forcefully this week. I'm enjoying playing around with my diet, and I can't wait to see what happens when you're on the outside - how different foods that I eat will affect you.

Next week I turn 31, and you turn 6 months in utero on my 31st birthday. Then begins the final leg of my first pregnancy - third trimester. I wonder what lovely bodily surprises you'll have in store for me February, March, and April? I'm excited for the Crossfit Open, beginning in March, which you'll be competing (HA) in with me. Not that it'll be much of a competition considering scaling and "talkability" during workouts - I lost my breath many a time during the Open last year and I won't be doing that this time around! I'm still excited to sign up and participate in the WODs, encouraging my friends who are competing along the way. This pregnancy journey has been amazing so far; I hope I continue to feel this great into my third trimester. Thanks for being such a great kid so far.

Love,

Mama

Week 18: Movement

...and so it begins.

One of my goals with this pregnancy blog was to begin forging a connection with our son or daughter in utero, but admittedly, I haven't been having the easiest time with that. I reasoned in my mind that it's legitimate to not really feel any kind of connection at all until I finally feel baby moving around.

I was right!

On Wednesday morning, I had a pre-natal check-up. The night before, I'd endured a particularly intense WOD (baby brain - I can't even remember what it was, but I seem to recall box jumps, burpees, front squats and push presses) and while I kept this intensity low, taking many water and breathing breaks, I still had that worry that I'd hurt the baby somehow. 

You know what? Sidebar. For clarity's sake: I've dropped all my weights by half, I can talk through all my workouts, and I'm not pushing myself as hard as I used to, so there is no danger to the baby. If anything feels uncomfortable at all, I stop immediately. I did Fran with 33lbs instead of 65 and jumping pullups instead of kips 14 weeks into my pregnancy - scaling sucks but it's for a reason! Hope this fends off the Crossfit-while-pregnant naysayers...

Anyways, the doctor pressed the sonogram wand on my belly, and the heartbeat came through immediately (always a relief when I have that little niggling worry that I'm going to hear/see nothing, a worry that I experienced briefly at my first ultrasound and at my first sonogram.) And it was loud, and strong, and filled me with such pride. I felt like, "yeah, my baby has a wicked strong heartbeat because his heart is working when my heart's working!" It was such an amazing sound to hear. Even more amazing was a sudden noise, accompanied by a jolt in my tummy. "The baby's moving," explained my doctor. A second later, it happened again, and I exclaimed, "I felt that... I felt that!" I was filled with a joy I hadn't experienced yet in my pregnancy, and for the rest of the day every time I felt that same little movement, a smile washed over my face.

So here I am, Little One (or Libby, as my mother has dubbed you - if you end up being a boy, I have a feeling that nickname won't stick around for lot - or maybe it will.) I feel you moving around inside of me. I love that your heartbeat is so strong. I love that you love dairy and mustard so much, but we could have a little talk about your need for carbs. I love that I feel your life; I feel this gift with which my husband and I have been so blessed. We're nearly halfway through your initial journey of growth, and we'll get to meet you in four and a half short months. I love how active you are already, and I love that when Daddy got home from hockey at 2:00 a.m. this morning and tried to cuddle me, when I pushed him off because I was too hot and uncomfortable, he countered, "but I want to hold our baby" and scooped his hands around my tummy.

We love you, Little One. 

Crossfitting Pregnant

Inspiring - Pregnant Crossfit!