Weeks 31 & 32: Energy & Exhaustion

Little One,

I'm writing this on a Monday morning, sitting at my desk at work when I really should be photocopying for the day. Today's one of those days where my hair is disheveled, I really don't feel like being here, and I could probably nap all day if given the opportunity. But tomorrow? Tomorrow I could be jumping off the walls, excited, energetic, and happy. That's what the past two weeks have felt like - a pendulum swing between exhaustion and energy.

One highlight of the past two weeks has been participating in the 2013 Crossfit Open. I recognize that through my pregnancy, although I've remained relatively fit, I've lost a lot of my physical capacity - I can barely squat without my hip flexors feeling like they're on fire, and most days, it's very difficult to drag myself to the gym (so difficult, in fact, that I end up just going home to bed.) But since getting pregnant, I knew that I wanted to keep up with my fitness as best I could, so I committed to participating in the Crossfit Open. The first workout - a 17 minute chipper of burpess and snatches - was one of the best days of my pregnancy. I felt so full of life and spirit. The second workout - a 10 minute AMRAP of 5 75# push press, 10 75# deadlifts and 15 box jumps (step ups, in my case) felt equally as awesome - even after a sleepless night and two full days of grad retreat exhaustion. I don't know what it is, but I'm happy when I'm exercising. I'm not happy when I think about exercising, and I'm not happy when I'm dragging my lazy bones to the gym, but once I'm in that workout, I feel fantastic. I think you like it, too... at least I hope you do. You're good at telling me what to avoid - some days, kipping pull ups are not your favourite (ouch, does my tummy ever get tight!) but other days, you're like, hey, go ahead with your kips. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to keep Crossfitting througout my pregnancy and I can't wait to get back into it fully once you're in the world.

I think it's safe to say that within the next 3 weeks, I'll be saying that I'm sick of being pregnant. I'm not quite sick of it yet, although that thought has fluttered through my mind. The more babies that are born around me, the more excited (and nervous) I am to meet you. I love the feeling of you wriggling around in my tummy, but I can't wait to see what you look like, what you smell like, how we interact, and what our family is going to be like once you're on the outside with us.

I was at a silent retreat in Lethbridge this weekend, and during directed prayer from a spiritual director, I had an image of myself and your father holding you - the three of us protected by a ring of flame. I know that God's love for you is so powerful and inexplicable - I just hope I can see you with His eyes and love you with His heart. Better start practicing now - it's gonna be one of "those days" so if I can approach it with a smile even when I just feel like sleeping, I'll be able to get through whatever trials and tribulations come my way through your birth... and your life.

You're sleeping right now... wish I could be right there with you. I can't wait to feel some more of your wriggly squirming as the day progresses - those are some of the best moments of my days lately.

Love you,

Mama

Week 21: Christmas Magic

Hello little one! I feel guilty for missing the 20-week post... it was, afterall, the halfway mark of this pregnancy! I think with the busy-ness of school before Christmas break I just never made the time to sit down and write. That, and only two things have really been happening in the past two weeks: 1) you've been moving more and more, and 2) I've been growing more and more!

Your movements. They're amazing! And in the past three days, they've been very constant - I feel you move at least once and hour. Last night when I was lying in bed reading, you were flipping around contentedly (at least I hope so.) I'm reading a book about pre-natal bonding, and while it's written pretty badly, I think there are some good points in there about making time to spend with baby in utero. I think about you the most when I work out, and when I'm lying in bed. I haven't really spoken out loud to you although your father does and it's pretty cute!

My body. Wow, it's changing. I'm definitely chubbier. I feel good, though, and I have many moments during which I look in the mirror and admire my pregnant body. That's pretty good for someone who has spent the majority of her life negatively judging her body, even when it was in decent shape! It's just so amazing how there is a life growing inside of me now... my body is being put to work, doing what it's been created to do!

Cravings. Lately, the cravings haven't been too bad, but I'm still on a dark chocolate kick. My mom (your maternal grandmother) send two dark chocolate bars for Christmas, and a cheque with which I'm going to open an RESP for you when you're born.

Christmas with you in my womb was very special. Last weekend, your father and I went to Mass. I hadn't felt you kick very much last week, but you kicked up a storm once we sat down in the pews (your dad's favourite spot, right behind the organ... haha.) It was the fourth Sunday of Advent, and the gospel was about Elizabeth and Mary. Yeah, I teared up when Deacon Bob began going on about how Elizabeth felt her child "leap inside of her womb", especially since I hadn't felt a "leap" in a few days. And now you've been "leaping" for almost a week - I love, love, love it. I'm getting more and more excited to meet you.

I had a dream a few nights ago that you were a girl. It was one of those anxiety dreams, kind of like the dreams I had before our wedding in which I dreamt my seamstress cut my dress to my knees and dyed it purple. Like, worst-case-scenario kind of dreams. In my dream, I kept forgetting about you; I kept meaning to feed you but never getting around to it, and I even dropped you out of your infant carrier. I woke up pretty upset but it's interesting that my deep-seated anxieties find their way to the surface through dreams. I wonder if you really are a girl? Dad's Aunt Janice is adament that my sister-in-law and I aren't going to be having babies of the same gender... so we'll see once your cousin in born, I suppose, and then verify it on your zero-ith birthday :)

Love,

Mama

Week 18: Movement

...and so it begins.

One of my goals with this pregnancy blog was to begin forging a connection with our son or daughter in utero, but admittedly, I haven't been having the easiest time with that. I reasoned in my mind that it's legitimate to not really feel any kind of connection at all until I finally feel baby moving around.

I was right!

On Wednesday morning, I had a pre-natal check-up. The night before, I'd endured a particularly intense WOD (baby brain - I can't even remember what it was, but I seem to recall box jumps, burpees, front squats and push presses) and while I kept this intensity low, taking many water and breathing breaks, I still had that worry that I'd hurt the baby somehow. 

You know what? Sidebar. For clarity's sake: I've dropped all my weights by half, I can talk through all my workouts, and I'm not pushing myself as hard as I used to, so there is no danger to the baby. If anything feels uncomfortable at all, I stop immediately. I did Fran with 33lbs instead of 65 and jumping pullups instead of kips 14 weeks into my pregnancy - scaling sucks but it's for a reason! Hope this fends off the Crossfit-while-pregnant naysayers...

Anyways, the doctor pressed the sonogram wand on my belly, and the heartbeat came through immediately (always a relief when I have that little niggling worry that I'm going to hear/see nothing, a worry that I experienced briefly at my first ultrasound and at my first sonogram.) And it was loud, and strong, and filled me with such pride. I felt like, "yeah, my baby has a wicked strong heartbeat because his heart is working when my heart's working!" It was such an amazing sound to hear. Even more amazing was a sudden noise, accompanied by a jolt in my tummy. "The baby's moving," explained my doctor. A second later, it happened again, and I exclaimed, "I felt that... I felt that!" I was filled with a joy I hadn't experienced yet in my pregnancy, and for the rest of the day every time I felt that same little movement, a smile washed over my face.

So here I am, Little One (or Libby, as my mother has dubbed you - if you end up being a boy, I have a feeling that nickname won't stick around for lot - or maybe it will.) I feel you moving around inside of me. I love that your heartbeat is so strong. I love that you love dairy and mustard so much, but we could have a little talk about your need for carbs. I love that I feel your life; I feel this gift with which my husband and I have been so blessed. We're nearly halfway through your initial journey of growth, and we'll get to meet you in four and a half short months. I love how active you are already, and I love that when Daddy got home from hockey at 2:00 a.m. this morning and tried to cuddle me, when I pushed him off because I was too hot and uncomfortable, he countered, "but I want to hold our baby" and scooped his hands around my tummy.

We love you, Little One.