Little One,
Week 38 was a good one. You're comfy, I'm comfy, things are... too comfy. I mentioned to my doctor last Friday that I was kind of wishing I'd be feeling a little bit more achey, crampy, and pre-labour-y... it doesn't help that my mom went three weeks overdue with me! But again, it's all a lesson in trust and patience. The most frustrating part about these final few weeks are all the comments from my co-workers... "you just look ready to pop!" "Aren't you just sick of being pregnant?" "I was hoping you wouldn't be here today..."
Oh, I know the comments are totally innocent, and my reaction to them is based purely on lack of patience. I think I hide it pretty well, but who knows. I just always have to remind myself that you'll be on the outside very soon - my due date isn't actually for another week - and that I have to take all the comments in stride. Besides, how many of the same comments have I made to pregnant friends in the past, not considering how bombarded with end-of-gestation questioning they may already be? I still can't believe how easily annoyed I get when I'm pregnant.
My sister in law was due a week and a half ago, and she's still waiting. She'll be induced tomorrow - a little piece of me hopes that we'll end up in the hospital at the same time, as unlikely as that will be. I feel for her since she's already so overdue, and I hope that I don't go that overdue, but again, PATIENCE! Only time will tell. There have been some significant births this week: our cat Trixie had her kittens, and they're adorable. Daddy's cousin's wife had a baby too... and she delivered it herself, at home. I'm praying that's the only Liboiron birth this week that goes down that quickly and crazily.
One great big message I was given this week was again: SLOW DOWN. As many times as I've been reminded of the importance of slowing down, I still seem to find ways to push myself just a little bit too hard. On Tuesday, I decided to try going for a little jog. After about 50 meters, the jog turned into a walk. I completed 2.5 kilometers around Lake Stafford, and was feeling pretty good until later that evening... when I couldn't get off the couch. I couldn't believe how sore my pelvis was; I could barely walk. The next day was better, and I swam on Thursday and did a very short, light Crossfit workout on Friday. Saturday came around, and I was registered for the 3k portion of the Rattler Run in Medicine Hat. I felt good; I felt loose. So... I ran the first kilometer. As soon as I started downhill, though, my body said STOP! (well, it said "walk.") I completed the 3k and felt so good about having ran a little bit of it (I even sprinted at the end.)
Could I walk the rest of the day? No.
Two days later, I'm still a little bit tender, but I'm going to swim this afternoon to keep things loose, and I'll hit up the rower at the gym a few times this week. No more walking, running, or squatting - my pelvis just can't handle it. I went to bed on Saturday night praying that I wouldn't wake up having contractions - I don't think I would have been able to attempt pushing out a baby! So, little one, you're pretty stubborn, staying bum down and all, but you come by it naturally - you have to pretty stubborn parents. I just pray that staying active throughout my pregnancy will benefit you not only during birth but as you grow and through the rest of your life. I've seen evidence in your strong heart rate (even through an attempted external version) that you've grown strong, and I believe a lot of that has to do with having worked out throughout my pregnancy. But again, each day is new, I have very little control over how you've grown inside my womb and what you'll be like on the outside. All I can keep doing is staying active and healthy, eating right, and encouraging you to do the same by modeling it.
...I can also learn a few lessons by listening to my body. See you in a few weeks (or months), running shoes!
Love,
Mama
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Week 37: Disappointment, Blessings & Trust
Little One,
Last week I was reflecting on the necessity of letting go and trusting God through everything. I admit that I haven't been the best at being prayerful throughout this pregnancy, but it became very apparent in the past few weeks that I was being led down a path I hadn't anticipated, and it was time to accept, let go, and trust. God is so good - I know it sounds cliche, but after my experience this past Thursday at the Medicine Hat hospital, I know that you are in His hands no matter what this birth experience brings.
My doctor had scheduled an external version, during which they were going to try to turn you around so you'd be in the 'preferred' head-down birthing position. I went in relatively nervous, but once I was lying on that hospital bed in my gown, I started to get really upset. I'm good at not letting on just how stressed I am - I like to put on a facade of strength - but inside, I was nervous, worried, and ultimately anticipating just how painful the external version would be. I hadn't let myself read up too much about how it works or how painful it was (even after your grandma L told me she'd watched videos on YouTube!), but my doula expressed that it would be painful - possibly as painful as transition contractions. Cue me: freaking out (inside, of course.)
After a much longer-than-anticipated wait, the doctor came in, got the ultrasound machine hooked up, and confirmed - yes, again - that you were comfortably head up, bum down. With the nurse keeping an eye on your heart rate, the doctor began digging down around my pelvis to try to scoot your bum upwards. And you... well, you weren't having any of it! Your heart stayed steady and strong, and you refused to budge. Three unsuccessful attempts to turn you ("the head will move, but that bum is just lodged in your pelvis!") and the doctor look at me, said, "I can't believe the baby is so relaxed about all this. We'll attempt a breech birth," and walked out. No mention of scheduling a C-section, just accemptance about your position and about a plan.
Here's what I'd expected if the external version hadn't worked: I'd done so many interventions already to try to get you to turn, so I was relatively optimistic about the version, even though the success rate for new moms is apparently 50%. But deep, deep down, I think I knew you were going to stay put. As badly as I wanted you to turn, I think I knew that it just wasn't going to happen. So I went in expecting to be entirely disappointed if it didn't work.
But something funny happened.
All of the sudden, I was full of adrenaleine - and peace. I felt confident, I felt excited to meet you, I felt almost ready to begin labour right there (almost)! The nurse stripped my membranes and told me to stick around Medicine Hat just in case labour began (external versions are known in rare instances for promoting labour). So all day, I was bouncy, happy, and excited - not at all disappointed that the version didn't work. It was such an amazing blessing - I'd been granted the peace about this whole situation that I'd asked God to deliver, and it came not through my own expectations but through an experience that I'd expected to yield a different outcome and different feelings.
The best part? The version was extremely uncomfortable, yes, even painful, but it wasn't half as bad as I'd made it out to be in my head. I think I had approached the version much like I approach any kind of competition - I build it up to be ridiculously difficult in my head, and I fear the pain and the hard work, but through it all - I'm focused, I'm breathing, and I'm positive. I kept thinking, "this is like the 32nd kilometer in my marathon." That was one of the worst, most painful, most emotionally harrowing moments of my life - but I pushed through. Exhausted and in pain, I kept pushing through. It helped that during the marathon, a man I didn't know kept biking around me - he was wearing a shirt that said "Run, Olivia, Run!" which I found out later was meant for his wife who shares the same first name as me. But it was one of those reminders that I can push through - anything. I know the version wasn't even close to what labour will be like, but God showed me that I am strong, I am capable, and even in the face of disappointment, I've been blessed with the grace to accept circumstances joyfully. I think one of the most potentially disappointing days of my pregnancy turning into one of the most exciting and joy-filled is evidence of God's work and His love.
Oh, and through it all, I was suffering from a major head cold. I kind of felt like maybe I could be experiencing the beginnings of labour for the two days after the version attempt, but I was so sick with a stuffed head and sore throat that I figured it was God saying, "you know what? Trust that I know when's best for this baby to make his/her appearance. Sure, maybe you're labouring, but maybe you're just really sick from this head cold - only I know for sure. Trust me, trust me, trust me."
And I trust. You'll arrive when the time is right. And I can't wait!
Love,
Mama
Last week I was reflecting on the necessity of letting go and trusting God through everything. I admit that I haven't been the best at being prayerful throughout this pregnancy, but it became very apparent in the past few weeks that I was being led down a path I hadn't anticipated, and it was time to accept, let go, and trust. God is so good - I know it sounds cliche, but after my experience this past Thursday at the Medicine Hat hospital, I know that you are in His hands no matter what this birth experience brings.
My doctor had scheduled an external version, during which they were going to try to turn you around so you'd be in the 'preferred' head-down birthing position. I went in relatively nervous, but once I was lying on that hospital bed in my gown, I started to get really upset. I'm good at not letting on just how stressed I am - I like to put on a facade of strength - but inside, I was nervous, worried, and ultimately anticipating just how painful the external version would be. I hadn't let myself read up too much about how it works or how painful it was (even after your grandma L told me she'd watched videos on YouTube!), but my doula expressed that it would be painful - possibly as painful as transition contractions. Cue me: freaking out (inside, of course.)
After a much longer-than-anticipated wait, the doctor came in, got the ultrasound machine hooked up, and confirmed - yes, again - that you were comfortably head up, bum down. With the nurse keeping an eye on your heart rate, the doctor began digging down around my pelvis to try to scoot your bum upwards. And you... well, you weren't having any of it! Your heart stayed steady and strong, and you refused to budge. Three unsuccessful attempts to turn you ("the head will move, but that bum is just lodged in your pelvis!") and the doctor look at me, said, "I can't believe the baby is so relaxed about all this. We'll attempt a breech birth," and walked out. No mention of scheduling a C-section, just accemptance about your position and about a plan.
Here's what I'd expected if the external version hadn't worked: I'd done so many interventions already to try to get you to turn, so I was relatively optimistic about the version, even though the success rate for new moms is apparently 50%. But deep, deep down, I think I knew you were going to stay put. As badly as I wanted you to turn, I think I knew that it just wasn't going to happen. So I went in expecting to be entirely disappointed if it didn't work.
But something funny happened.
All of the sudden, I was full of adrenaleine - and peace. I felt confident, I felt excited to meet you, I felt almost ready to begin labour right there (almost)! The nurse stripped my membranes and told me to stick around Medicine Hat just in case labour began (external versions are known in rare instances for promoting labour). So all day, I was bouncy, happy, and excited - not at all disappointed that the version didn't work. It was such an amazing blessing - I'd been granted the peace about this whole situation that I'd asked God to deliver, and it came not through my own expectations but through an experience that I'd expected to yield a different outcome and different feelings.
The best part? The version was extremely uncomfortable, yes, even painful, but it wasn't half as bad as I'd made it out to be in my head. I think I had approached the version much like I approach any kind of competition - I build it up to be ridiculously difficult in my head, and I fear the pain and the hard work, but through it all - I'm focused, I'm breathing, and I'm positive. I kept thinking, "this is like the 32nd kilometer in my marathon." That was one of the worst, most painful, most emotionally harrowing moments of my life - but I pushed through. Exhausted and in pain, I kept pushing through. It helped that during the marathon, a man I didn't know kept biking around me - he was wearing a shirt that said "Run, Olivia, Run!" which I found out later was meant for his wife who shares the same first name as me. But it was one of those reminders that I can push through - anything. I know the version wasn't even close to what labour will be like, but God showed me that I am strong, I am capable, and even in the face of disappointment, I've been blessed with the grace to accept circumstances joyfully. I think one of the most potentially disappointing days of my pregnancy turning into one of the most exciting and joy-filled is evidence of God's work and His love.
Oh, and through it all, I was suffering from a major head cold. I kind of felt like maybe I could be experiencing the beginnings of labour for the two days after the version attempt, but I was so sick with a stuffed head and sore throat that I figured it was God saying, "you know what? Trust that I know when's best for this baby to make his/her appearance. Sure, maybe you're labouring, but maybe you're just really sick from this head cold - only I know for sure. Trust me, trust me, trust me."
And I trust. You'll arrive when the time is right. And I can't wait!
Love,
Mama
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Weeks 35 & 36: Trying to Trust
Little One,
It took 36 weeks but Daddy finally came up with a name for you while you're still growing inside of me - "Axel." Why "Axel?" Because it was one of his preferred first names for a boy, and one of the names that I shot down... so I figure I might as well give it to him for the remainder of your time in utero. Daddy also warned me that if I have an emergency c-section and he gets to meet you before I do that you might just be Axel once I wake up. We'll see about that... any day now, or as long as five weeks from now...
It's kind of unbelievable that it could be tomorrow, but it could be over a month from now that we meet you. You've decided to stay comfortably breech, and after discussing options in Brooks, I booked an appointment in Medicine Hat to see about breech delivery. A natural birth is really important to me, and although I've accepted that a c-section may turn out to be the only option, I didn't want to accept c-section as standard for you. Sometimes I wonder how selfish I'm being, but there's something in me that's just so drawn to a natural birth. I'm frightened about many things right now, and this is where it's getting more important for me to just trust. I've put other areas of my life in God's hands, reluctantly so, but He has always delivered more than I've ever prayed for. Things haven't worked out how I pictured them to, or wanted them to, but when I stopped worrying and placed them in His capable hands, he worked his divine... whatever it is... and my life has been so blessed.
It's time to put this whole breech situation in His hands, because I know He will care and provide.
I felt as though I was in good hands in Medicine Hat. The doctor didn't immediately dismiss my desire to explore options outside of c-section and encouraged me to try an external version on top of all the other interventions I've been attempting. To date, it's been daily breech tilt and forward-leaning inversion, moxibustion, chiropractic, red raspberry capsules, swimming, handstands in the swimming pool, handstand pushups at the gym, walking around on my hands and knees, an ice pack on your head, an ice pack on your head while sitting in a warm bath, daddy talking to you and reading to you, me talking to you, shining a flashlight at the bottom of my uterus.... let's just say if you're still breech when I go into labour, there's definitely a reason for it!
I'm no longer Crossfitting. It's only been a week since I said goodbye to Inferno and Badlands (temporarily - I'll be back!) but my chiropractor encouraged me to try exercise that keeps me loose, so I've been swimming and walking instead. I know I could go to the gym and workout lightly, but it just wouldn't feel right - Crossfit for me is about the intensity. I'm also trying to avoid too much squatting because I don't want to encourage your cute little bum to get lodged in my pelvis prematurely, so swimming and walking is the way to go for now. I have a 3k race booked for April 27 and another for May 4 - depending on how I feel, I may run, I may walk, I may be at the hospital nursing a C-section scar (and a newborn, at that) or I may be at home with some crotchsicles... thanks to Veronica for that one! It's amazing that there's just no way to tell what's going to happen in the next few days or weeks. I'm somewhat of a planner, not that bad, but what an exercise in letting go and letting God!
Who knows what the next few days and weeks are going to bring? Keep squirming, Little One; try to get that head down low. Whatever you decide, though, I know it's the journey that's supposed to happen... as reluctant as I am to give up control and accept things for the way they are, I know that He has your and my best interests at heart.
Oh, and my co-worker Kimmie is praying a novena for us too. She's a miracle worker, so... :)
Love,
Mama
It took 36 weeks but Daddy finally came up with a name for you while you're still growing inside of me - "Axel." Why "Axel?" Because it was one of his preferred first names for a boy, and one of the names that I shot down... so I figure I might as well give it to him for the remainder of your time in utero. Daddy also warned me that if I have an emergency c-section and he gets to meet you before I do that you might just be Axel once I wake up. We'll see about that... any day now, or as long as five weeks from now...
It's kind of unbelievable that it could be tomorrow, but it could be over a month from now that we meet you. You've decided to stay comfortably breech, and after discussing options in Brooks, I booked an appointment in Medicine Hat to see about breech delivery. A natural birth is really important to me, and although I've accepted that a c-section may turn out to be the only option, I didn't want to accept c-section as standard for you. Sometimes I wonder how selfish I'm being, but there's something in me that's just so drawn to a natural birth. I'm frightened about many things right now, and this is where it's getting more important for me to just trust. I've put other areas of my life in God's hands, reluctantly so, but He has always delivered more than I've ever prayed for. Things haven't worked out how I pictured them to, or wanted them to, but when I stopped worrying and placed them in His capable hands, he worked his divine... whatever it is... and my life has been so blessed.
It's time to put this whole breech situation in His hands, because I know He will care and provide.
I felt as though I was in good hands in Medicine Hat. The doctor didn't immediately dismiss my desire to explore options outside of c-section and encouraged me to try an external version on top of all the other interventions I've been attempting. To date, it's been daily breech tilt and forward-leaning inversion, moxibustion, chiropractic, red raspberry capsules, swimming, handstands in the swimming pool, handstand pushups at the gym, walking around on my hands and knees, an ice pack on your head, an ice pack on your head while sitting in a warm bath, daddy talking to you and reading to you, me talking to you, shining a flashlight at the bottom of my uterus.... let's just say if you're still breech when I go into labour, there's definitely a reason for it!
I'm no longer Crossfitting. It's only been a week since I said goodbye to Inferno and Badlands (temporarily - I'll be back!) but my chiropractor encouraged me to try exercise that keeps me loose, so I've been swimming and walking instead. I know I could go to the gym and workout lightly, but it just wouldn't feel right - Crossfit for me is about the intensity. I'm also trying to avoid too much squatting because I don't want to encourage your cute little bum to get lodged in my pelvis prematurely, so swimming and walking is the way to go for now. I have a 3k race booked for April 27 and another for May 4 - depending on how I feel, I may run, I may walk, I may be at the hospital nursing a C-section scar (and a newborn, at that) or I may be at home with some crotchsicles... thanks to Veronica for that one! It's amazing that there's just no way to tell what's going to happen in the next few days or weeks. I'm somewhat of a planner, not that bad, but what an exercise in letting go and letting God!
Who knows what the next few days and weeks are going to bring? Keep squirming, Little One; try to get that head down low. Whatever you decide, though, I know it's the journey that's supposed to happen... as reluctant as I am to give up control and accept things for the way they are, I know that He has your and my best interests at heart.
Oh, and my co-worker Kimmie is praying a novena for us too. She's a miracle worker, so... :)
Love,
Mama
Monday, April 1, 2013
Week 34: Sugar High & Mama Low
Little One,
I'm tired. SO tired. And you? You're busy wiggling around what seems like every minute of every day. Aren't you getting tired in there? If my appetite is a fair gauge, then you're definitely growing. I am HUNGRY LIKE ANIMAL. And since you're growing, I'm growing - my tummy feels especially enormous today (but I think a lot of that has to do with Easter-candy induced inflammation. How'd you like that jelly bean sugar high?) We just spent Easter weekend with Daddy's side of the family in the beautiful Crowsnest Pass; it's so exciting that the next time we visit we'll be bringing you along not in utero! I wonder what you'll be like to travel with?
What's new this week? Oh, I'm ridiculously irritable - wait, that's not new; that's been pretty constant throughout this pregnancy. I haven't really discussed it up until this point, but it's becoming increasingly evident that pregnancy puts me in a perpetual state of STAY AWAY FROM ME. The sweetest, kindest people I know make me want to punch something. It doesn't make any sense, but there it is - I've never been so irritable in my life until this pregnancy. I'm hoping it passes once you're in the world. It's not like anything in particular causes the irritability - I can have a great night's sleep, exercise, good diet - and there are still 3 or 4 days out of the week during which I feel like the world's meanest, cruelest, most judgmental woman (inside my head, of course.) I try not to let it show but I think people see it written on my face. I'm not miserable, I'm just so darned IRRITABLE! I had a really good discussion with a co-worker who'd experienced the same thing, and it was hard to believe because she's one of the sweet, kind ones who would never say or do anything to hurt anybody. I felt relieved knowing that it's not just me and despite diet, exercise, proper sleep, lots of water, etc. this irritability is just something that's come out of the pregnancy! These "low" times are very difficult for me since I work hard at staying positive. I think this is beyond my ability to "try", though; I just need to accept that my mind and body are working this way at this time.
Physically, my back is starting to hurt a little bit - this time it's more of a dull throb just under my right ribs. It's kept me up a few nights this week. You're growing and shifting my organs around - ouch! Five (or more) weeks of this? Well, I did sign up for it! Knowing that I'm going to get to meet you much sooner than later makes it worth it. Maybe the chiropractor can help me with that this Wednesday, too - my last "big city" trip before you make your appearance. I have a few more things to take care of. Your bag is almost packed (everything's washed, folded, and piled, ready to go - I just need to stuff it in a bag); your nursery is almost complete (everything's painted; now it's time to tidy and fill those drawers) and I'm getting antsy. I wouldn't mind if you made your appearance a little bit early so you can do some of that happy wiggling on the outside!
Love,
Mama
I'm tired. SO tired. And you? You're busy wiggling around what seems like every minute of every day. Aren't you getting tired in there? If my appetite is a fair gauge, then you're definitely growing. I am HUNGRY LIKE ANIMAL. And since you're growing, I'm growing - my tummy feels especially enormous today (but I think a lot of that has to do with Easter-candy induced inflammation. How'd you like that jelly bean sugar high?) We just spent Easter weekend with Daddy's side of the family in the beautiful Crowsnest Pass; it's so exciting that the next time we visit we'll be bringing you along not in utero! I wonder what you'll be like to travel with?
What's new this week? Oh, I'm ridiculously irritable - wait, that's not new; that's been pretty constant throughout this pregnancy. I haven't really discussed it up until this point, but it's becoming increasingly evident that pregnancy puts me in a perpetual state of STAY AWAY FROM ME. The sweetest, kindest people I know make me want to punch something. It doesn't make any sense, but there it is - I've never been so irritable in my life until this pregnancy. I'm hoping it passes once you're in the world. It's not like anything in particular causes the irritability - I can have a great night's sleep, exercise, good diet - and there are still 3 or 4 days out of the week during which I feel like the world's meanest, cruelest, most judgmental woman (inside my head, of course.) I try not to let it show but I think people see it written on my face. I'm not miserable, I'm just so darned IRRITABLE! I had a really good discussion with a co-worker who'd experienced the same thing, and it was hard to believe because she's one of the sweet, kind ones who would never say or do anything to hurt anybody. I felt relieved knowing that it's not just me and despite diet, exercise, proper sleep, lots of water, etc. this irritability is just something that's come out of the pregnancy! These "low" times are very difficult for me since I work hard at staying positive. I think this is beyond my ability to "try", though; I just need to accept that my mind and body are working this way at this time.
Physically, my back is starting to hurt a little bit - this time it's more of a dull throb just under my right ribs. It's kept me up a few nights this week. You're growing and shifting my organs around - ouch! Five (or more) weeks of this? Well, I did sign up for it! Knowing that I'm going to get to meet you much sooner than later makes it worth it. Maybe the chiropractor can help me with that this Wednesday, too - my last "big city" trip before you make your appearance. I have a few more things to take care of. Your bag is almost packed (everything's washed, folded, and piled, ready to go - I just need to stuff it in a bag); your nursery is almost complete (everything's painted; now it's time to tidy and fill those drawers) and I'm getting antsy. I wouldn't mind if you made your appearance a little bit early so you can do some of that happy wiggling on the outside!
Love,
Mama
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