Week 37: Disappointment, Blessings & Trust

Little One,

Last week I was reflecting on the necessity of letting go and trusting God through everything. I admit that I haven't been the best at being prayerful throughout this pregnancy, but it became very apparent in the past few weeks that I was being led down a path I hadn't anticipated, and it was time to accept, let go, and trust. God is so good - I know it sounds cliche, but after my experience this past Thursday at the Medicine Hat hospital, I know that you are in His hands no matter what this birth experience brings.

My doctor had scheduled an external version, during which they were going to try to turn you around so you'd be in the 'preferred' head-down birthing position. I went in relatively nervous, but once I was lying on that hospital bed in my gown, I started to get really upset. I'm good at not letting on just how stressed I am - I like to put on a facade of strength - but inside, I was nervous, worried, and ultimately anticipating just how painful the external version would be. I hadn't let myself read up too much about how it works or how painful it was (even after your grandma L told me she'd watched videos on YouTube!), but my doula expressed that it would be painful - possibly as painful as transition contractions. Cue me: freaking out (inside, of course.)

After a much longer-than-anticipated wait, the doctor came in, got the ultrasound machine hooked up, and confirmed - yes, again - that you were comfortably head up, bum down. With the nurse keeping an eye on your heart rate, the doctor began digging down around my pelvis to try to scoot your bum upwards. And you... well, you weren't having any of it! Your heart stayed steady and strong, and you refused to budge. Three unsuccessful attempts to turn you ("the head will move, but that bum is just lodged in your pelvis!") and the doctor look at me, said, "I can't believe the baby is so relaxed about all this. We'll attempt a breech birth," and walked out. No mention of scheduling a C-section, just accemptance about your position and about a plan.

Here's what I'd expected if the external version hadn't worked: I'd done so many interventions already to try to get you to turn, so I was relatively optimistic about the version, even though the success rate for new moms is apparently 50%. But deep, deep down, I think I knew you were going to stay put. As badly as I wanted you to turn, I think I knew that it just wasn't going to happen. So I went in expecting to be entirely disappointed if it didn't work.

But something funny happened.

All of the sudden, I was full of adrenaleine - and peace. I felt confident, I felt excited to meet you, I felt almost ready to begin labour right there (almost)! The nurse stripped my membranes and told me to stick around Medicine Hat just in case labour began (external versions are known in rare instances for promoting labour). So all day, I was bouncy, happy, and excited - not at all disappointed that the version didn't work. It was such an amazing blessing - I'd been granted the peace about this whole situation that I'd asked God to deliver, and it came not through my own expectations but through an experience that I'd expected to yield a different outcome and different feelings.

The best part? The version was extremely uncomfortable, yes, even painful, but it wasn't half as bad as I'd made it out to be in my head. I think I had approached the version much like I approach any kind of competition - I build it up to be ridiculously difficult in my head, and I fear the pain and the hard work, but through it all - I'm focused, I'm breathing, and I'm positive. I kept thinking, "this is like the 32nd kilometer in my marathon." That was one of the worst, most painful, most emotionally harrowing moments of my life - but I pushed through. Exhausted and in pain, I kept pushing through. It helped that during the marathon, a man I didn't know kept biking around me - he was wearing a shirt that said "Run, Olivia, Run!" which I found out later was meant for his wife who shares the same first name as me. But it was one of those reminders that I can push through - anything. I know the version wasn't even close to what labour will be like, but God showed me that I am strong, I am capable, and even in the face of disappointment, I've been blessed with the grace to accept circumstances joyfully. I think one of the most potentially disappointing days of my pregnancy turning into one of the most exciting and joy-filled is evidence of God's work and His love.

Oh, and through it all, I was suffering from a major head cold. I kind of felt like maybe I could be experiencing the beginnings of labour for the two days after the version attempt, but I was so sick with a stuffed head and sore throat that I figured it was God saying, "you know what? Trust that I know when's best for this baby to make his/her appearance. Sure, maybe you're labouring, but maybe you're just really sick from this head cold - only I know for sure. Trust me, trust me, trust me."

And I trust. You'll arrive when the time is right. And I can't wait!

Love,

Mama

Weeks 26 & 27: Quit Scaring Me!

Little One,

Life has been so busy - I can't imagine how much busier it's going to be once you're in my arms. I want to write about you all the time, and I always have so many thoughts floating through my mind, but when it comes time to sit down and write... I guess I have to work on making that time.

The past two weeks have been rougher than the four preceding weeks. I'm in my third trimester now, and you are growing so quickly - sapping me of energy. My birthday weekend, I got really scared because you stopped moving as much. In fact, I barely felt you for about two days. I can' t believe how much that scared me. I almost cried a few times, wondering if I should go to the hospital to make sure that you were okay. It was the most frightening experience of this pregnancy - which I should be grateful for, because I've had it pretty easy so far. But I couldn't believe just how sad, anxious, and horrified I was at the fact that maybe - just maybe - something could be going wrong. When did I get so attached to you? When did you begin capturing my heart so completely?

As if to show me that, yes, I'm here mom, don't worry about me, you began helping prepare my body for your arrival into this world. I'm experiencing the first big pains of this pregnancy - my sacro-iliac joint is on fire! It comes and it goes, but there's no way to deny that the relaxin is really starting to course its way through my body, loosening up my joints, making my lower back extremely sore, and making things like running more difficult (I lasted 5 minutes on the treadmill last week - my knees and ankles said, "no way, lady.")

Love,

Mama