Week 3: Fantastic Exhaustion

Lexi,

Let me begin by stating how beautiful you are. You, my love, are gorgeous. I can't get enough of your beautiful eyes (even when they're crusty from that darned clogged tear duct), your sweet nose, and especially your angelic chin and lips - you're like a little cherub. When you get fussy and your face contorts into a sad, snarly, upset baby face, my heart breaks. I want those wide, searching eyes and smushy milk drunk mouth back!

You've been fussy this week, and it's been frustrating. I get anxious before bed time because I know that you'll be up much of the night. I need to keep reminding myself that it won't be forever; I try to pray through the exhausting nights. It doesn't keep me, however, from angrily ripping open a Larabar at 4 am and defiantly throwing the wrapper on the ground. It didn't have quite the effect I'd hoped for, but hey, it let me release a little bit of pent up frustration. It's hard to put into words the juxtaposition between love and frustration that motherhood presents. I love looking at you, cuddling you, napping next to you, and cuddling with you and Daddy. Frustration hits when I'm tired and I can't seem to make you feel better.  Your gassy tummy seems to really upset you at night, and I've cried more than once, feeling helpless because I can't make you more comfortable no matter what I try to do.

Despite the frustration, the ways I love you are innumerable. I love your squeaks - when you're sleeping, you let out the cutest little squeaks. All the sounds you make are fantastic. Even your cries are lovely, in a strange way. It's amazing to be able to pick your cry out from others' when there is more than one crying baby in the room. I love the face you make as you wake up - you suck in your lower lip, tilt your head back, and wave it from side to side. I can't even explain how cute it is - I want to capture it forever and store it in my memory. I love your big, wide, searching eyes - you always seem to be asking a question when you look at me. I love how your arms get floppy when you fall asleep in my arms after a big feed. Your gas grins are pretty amazing, too; I know you're not smiling at me on purpose, but I like to pretend that you are.

Now that it's been three weeks since your birth, I'm starting to get a little bit more mobile and trying to get a bit of exercise done. This past Monday was Victoria Day, and since your father and I didn't manage to get anywhere for the long weekend, we met Grandma and Grandpa L at Dinosaur Provincial Park and took you for your first stroller walk. I'm mad for not taking any photos - that's one thing that I keep regretting and keep meaning to do - taking photos - but I'm too busy living in the moment, which I suppose is more important anyways. Yesterday I did one lap around Lake Stafford (2.25 kilometers) and I was definitely feeling it at the end. Slowly but surely... I can't wait to get back into shape and be the best version of myself so I can be the best mom to you. Slowly... but surely!

I can't wait to see what next week has in store - but can we just freeze time for a little while so I can keep kissing your fuzzy little ears?

Love,

Mama