Everybody tells you that time flies once you have a newborn. They aren't lying. Time has flown by so quickly that while my intention was to write you a letter every single week, I haven't mustered up the energy to write to you until now, a week past my deadline. So I'm going to try to recap the past two weeks in one entry - I know that I have already forgotten things that I was sure I wanted to chronicle. But you're my priority now. You're asleep in your bassinet after a morning full of feeding (and a few tears on my part.)
Coming home from the hospital was wonderful, albeit stressful. I sat in the backseat of the SUV the entire ride home just to watch you breathe - you were so quiet in your car seat! I couldn't bear not seeing your face for the hour-long ride home. We stopped in at Costco to fill prescriptions and as I was walking around pushing a cart, I knew I was already pushing myself too hard. I'm not supposed to do any exercise for six weeks following the surgery... two weeks in and I'm dying to get back into it, but I don't want to hurt myself - not only for my sake now, but for your sake too. It's amazing how everything I do needs to take you into consideration first.
When we arrived home, I was still in a lot of pain from the C-section. I'd been instructed to take it very easy, no housework or anything. Your daddy ran into town for me to pick up a few supplies and groceries, and I was so grateful to be able to send him on errands since he hates going into town so much. We set up the recliner with a little change station next to it on the leather loveseat, and I have a cozy little nest where I nurse you - although I've found in the past three days that I can nurse you almost anywhere. Our first nights at home were very rough. You were a hungry, hungry girl and fed all night for about the first four nights - it was rough on daddy and I because daddy had to get out of bed to lift you out of your bassinet and bring you to me so that I could feed you. I fell asleep while feeding you a few times, and whenever that happened, I'd wake up in a panic. Eventually, though, your cluster feeding moved to the evenings, so for the past week you've only woken up two or three times between 11 and 5 to feed - which helps me and your daddy feel very well rested during the day! At one point I had to text our doula for some encouragement because I felt like I was breastfeeding 75% of the time and it was exhausting. She reminded me of the miracle of how human bodies work and that you were feeding like that to help establish my milk supply - we're a team, you and I, and you've been doing some darn fine work.
When daddy went back to work on Monday, May 6, your grandma L spent the day with me, spending lots of time cuddling you, helping prepare some meals and doing laundry. I was so grateful for her help, that when she sheepishly asked if she could come back the next day, I jumped at the chance. I loved having her around for those first two days - I can't imagine how overwhelmed I would have felt if I didn't have her support and help.
Wednesday, May 8 was your first doctor's appointment and you were a superstar. You already weighed more than your birth weight (7 lbs 11 oz at the doctor's appointment) and you didn't even cry when the doctor took off your diaper to check out your hips. He told me that double diapering (because of your hips because you were breech) probably wasn't necessary since your hips seem to be fine, but just to be on the safe side we're going to continue double diapering until your ultrasound at 3 months. Over the past three days, you've been spitting up a little bit - actually, last night, it seemed like a lot and I began to bawl my eyes out, feeling like I was the worst mother in the world for whatever I was eating that was hurting your tummy and making you spit up. And I know while chances are it's likely that something in my diet (I figure eggs) is hurting your tummy a little bit, spit-up is so normal and common, not something that warrants me beating myself up over being the worst mommy in the world. Those are some powerful feelings, though. I look at your big, beautiful newborn eyes and start to tear up just thinking about how perfect and innocent you are and that I won't always being able to protect you from everything that I want to. I have a hard enough time putting my own life in God's hands - I need to remember to do the same thing with you, too. What a challenge!
During your first two weeks at home, you had lots of visitors and lots of beautiful baby gifts - so many cute clothes that I can't wait to dress you in! We also had plenty of meals delivered, and so much support from friends and family. Today, it's Tuesday, May 14, and it's the first day that we haven't had a visitor so I was feeling pretty lonely this morning. I definitely shed a few tears and started feeling sorry for myself. I keep reminding myself that these feelings are totally normal - it's okay to have mood swings once you've had a baby! You started a nap at about 12:30 so I managed to have a shower and get some dishes and a bit of tidying done, which helped me feel a little bit more human. Then we received an invitation to a friend's birthday supper tonight so it looks like I will get some company after all.
Overall, I am excited to see how you grow and develop, but baby, right now I don't want you to get any bigger or any older. Two weeks have already flown by; I'll never get those two weeks back. I hope that I'm doing what I need to do to bond with you and provide you with the best start possible; I pray that you'll continue to grow healthy and strong. I've been trying to relish every single moment of these past two weeks, but they have zoomed by in the blink of an eye. I just have to keep savouring every moment.I love you so much, words can't describe it.
Love,
Mama
